Things I'm scared about.

I admire people who can talk about their fears. So I am going to use this post to share some of mine, even though it's hard to talk about.

1. My future. I don't know what I'm doing or where I'm going. And for someone who likes to plan every aspect of their life, this is a scary thought. I don't believe that there is a "purpose" to life or that I am here to fulfill some ultimate cosmic duty, but I do think that there is a niche for me somewhere. I just don't know where that is yet.
2. Being depressed. I have come a long way in being able to deal with the fact that I have some form of depression. Through medicine and counseling, support from my friends and family, and dealing with aspects of myself that I once found shameful, I have become a new person. It makes me sad thinking about how far I had let myself go and how I thought there was no hope. While I feel better now, I still get scared that I might fall back into my old style of thinking.
3. Living alone. This one is a double edged sword. For the most part, I love being around people. Socializing or not, it's nice to be in the company of others as I go about my day. But at the same time, I find great comfort in being able to have complete silence. Especially so after a long day (or week, or month as it seems lately). The idea of taking care of and having my own home is really exciting too! It makes me feel grownup and responsible, like that feeling when someone trusts you with something they care about. And it's a new adventure! Something I haven't done before which brings out the "Learner" in me (Do you know your top 5 strengths from "Strengths Finder"? It's really neat! I'll talk about it in another post). But as great as it sounds, I'm also scared at the thought of being so alone. I'm afraid it might bring out the lonely feelings I used to have and accentuate them. I'm afraid that people will put me on the back burner and forget about me. Sometimes it's irrational, but it makes me afraid nonetheless.
4. School. This normally happens, but now that I'm getting down to the wire, I'm especially worried about my classes. While some it doesn't really matter how well I do in them, others will add semesters to my graduation date. Like Genetics, for example. This course is my last introductory Bio course that I need to get out of the way in order to open up much more possibilities. Without passing it, I need to retake it. There is no bypassing. There are no alternatives. That's pretty terrifying! Luckily I don't feel that way about all my classes. Organic Chemistry is surprisingly great and gets more and more interesting as the days progress. So all is not bad. But what is bad, is spooky.
5. Not being in balance. Classes, homework, job, boyfriend, family, friends, me time, chores... The list goes on. I feel so out of synch with everything when this gets out of balance. Seriously. Something as mundane as a messy apartment makes me feel completely out of whack and I can't do my homework until I know it's done. Or if I spend hours working on homework, I can't help but feel the need to go bonkers with my friends. It's not so much that I'm scared when I'm out of balance, it's that I'm stressed. And I'm worried about how that stress is affecting me.
6. Graduation. And no, not my own. I'm afraid of what others' graduations will do to my relationships with them. I have a lot of friends who will be done with WMU in a half a year and I don't know what that means for our friendship. Everyone says, "Sure, we'll still talk! I won't forget about you!" but when it comes down to it, keeping up with people over such a great distance can be really hard. Not impossible, but difficult. I love my friends so much and I just hope that we can still gossip and tell bad jokes and just be silly still. Also, my boyfriend of three years will be graduating in April as well. We've never lived further apart than a couple hours, but it was always with the thought that we'd be back on campus together within a few months. It's just scary to think that the people who were within walking distance will now have to be a phone call away instead.

Those are my fears. Out there in the open. In the wires of the interwebz. Surprisingly, posting this wasn't as scary as I thought.



Comic: explodingdog.com/
Pretty much my favorite comic site.