I was really bumming this past month or so with so many crazy things happening in my life. So much of it out of my control. And in all aspects of my life as well: Family, friends, home, work, school. It seemed like nothing was going right, the way I thought it was supposed to.
So I got mad. Like, crazy mad. Mad at everyone. And I let it burn me up inside. Every little thing pissed me off, as if the whole universe was against me. Normal "hiccups" in my day were now full blown catastrophes. I blamed everyone and everything for making me feel this way. Then after a while... Things began to cool down... And all I was left with was guilt and shame.
Most people don't' talk about these emotions the same way they do with happy/mad/sad. Guilt and shame are supposed to be minor feelings. Let me tell you though, they can be just as powerful and maybe even more hurtful. These emotions turn inward, hidden from everyone else. That hate that I was exuding was now being sucked back in. I let it eat me up inside for days, weeks, months and it felt like there was no way to get rid of it.
But there is. And it's not easy. It's called forgiveness.
I'm not sure what is harder: forgiving others or forgiving yourself. Both had to happen in order for me to truly be happy again. It took some time, but I forgave everyone and everything that had been bothering me. But this last week I had finally forgiven myself. Before, I had tossed and turned over what I could have done differently, what I should have said. When it comes all down to it though, I have done what I could have done. And I did say what I could have said. I had to stop with the "what ifs" and remember that I am a rational, kind human being and I did the best I could.
So I forgave myself. It was hard to do and I'm still working on it, but I forgave myself. And I feel so much better for it. It may sound corny, but everything feels better, even though nothing else has changed but my mindset. I felt a little crazy the other day and I even said to my friends, "I don't know why I am so happy, but I am!" Nothing extraordinary had happened to cheer me up; I had just given up the hatred that was clouding my vision.
All of it because of forgiveness.
Many of you probably have no idea what I've been going through. And even if you think you know the whole story, you probably don't know the half of it. Regardless of how personal this blog entry is, I believe it is truly applicable to many people's lives. Maybe your life is fine now. Or maybe it's not. But I hope that when you are struggling, you remember the power of forgiveness.
Forgive others. Forgive yourself.
"The remarkable thing is that we really love our neighbour as ourselves: we do unto others as we do unto ourselves. We hate others when we hate ourselves. We are tolerant toward others when we tolerate ourselves. We forgive others when we forgive ourselves. We are prone to sacrifice others when we are ready to sacrifice ourselves."
- Eric Hoffer
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