Things I'm good at, Things I'm bad at

Things I'm bad at:

1. Being on time.
2. Finishing projects.
3. Being calm while driving.
4. Singing.
5. Managing time.
6. Consistency.
7. Spelling "definitely".
8. Being positive.
9. Keeping vegetarian.
10. Remembering names/faces.
    

Things I'm good at:

1. Sleeping.
2. Walking quickly.
3. Science and art.
4. Cleaning and organizing.
5. Making lists.
6. Saving money.
7. Drawing Pikachu on my notes.
   
8. Dancing poorly.
9. Finding fun in the mundane.
10. Getting distracted.
    

Favorite Things: Rainbow edition!

For each color of the rainbow, I will list some of my favorite things which correspond.

BLACK/WHITE. Flannel. "Off the Wall" Vans. Crosswords. Car. Coffee mug. Doot doot shark.

BROWN. Coffee. Chocolate. Earth. Trees. Raccoon hat. Cedar chest.

RED. Strawberries. Tomatoes. Mittens. S'mores shirt.

ORANGE. Blanket. Conan. Bistro 3 dishware.

YELLOW. Fat Pikachu. Bananas. Bowser. Lemonade. Face soap.

GREEN. Leaves. Duct tape. Willis and Phillis. Spearmint gum.

BLUE. Water. Sweatshirt. Organic Chem pens. Bike.

PURPLE. Hair. Towels. Glasses.

Non-list interlude: Forgiveness.

I don't have much of a list tonight; I just needed an outlet for my thoughts.

I was really bumming this past month or so with so many crazy things happening in my life. So much of it out of my control. And in all aspects of my life as well: Family, friends, home, work, school. It seemed like nothing was going right, the way I thought it was supposed to.

So I got mad. Like, crazy mad. Mad at everyone. And I let it burn me up inside. Every little thing pissed me off, as if the whole universe was against me. Normal "hiccups" in my day were now full blown catastrophes. I blamed everyone and everything for making me feel this way. Then after a while... Things began to cool down... And all I was left with was guilt and shame.

Most people don't' talk about these emotions the same way they do with happy/mad/sad. Guilt and shame are supposed to be minor feelings. Let me tell you though, they can be just as powerful and maybe even more hurtful. These emotions turn inward, hidden from everyone else. That hate that I was exuding was now being sucked back in. I let it eat me up inside for days, weeks, months and it felt like there was no way to get rid of it.

But there is. And it's not easy. It's called forgiveness.

I'm not sure what is harder: forgiving others or forgiving yourself. Both had to happen in order for me to truly be happy again. It took some time, but I forgave everyone and everything that had been bothering me. But this last week I had finally forgiven myself. Before, I had tossed and turned over what I could have done differently, what I should have said. When it comes all down to it though, I have done what I could have done. And I did say what I could have said. I had to stop with the "what ifs" and remember that I am a rational, kind human being and I did the best I could.

So I forgave myself. It was hard to do and I'm still working on it, but I forgave myself. And I feel so much better for it. It may sound corny, but everything feels better, even though nothing else has changed but my mindset. I felt a little crazy the other day and I even said to my friends, "I don't know why I am so happy, but I am!" Nothing extraordinary had happened to cheer me up; I had just given up the hatred that was clouding my vision.

All of it because of forgiveness.


Many of you probably have no idea what I've been going through. And even if you think you know the whole story, you probably don't know the half of it. Regardless of how personal this blog entry is, I believe it is truly applicable to many people's lives. Maybe your life is fine now. Or maybe it's not. But I hope that when you are struggling, you remember the power of forgiveness.

Forgive others. Forgive yourself.

"The remarkable thing is that we really love our neighbour as ourselves: we do unto others as we do unto ourselves. We hate others when we hate ourselves. We are tolerant toward others when we tolerate ourselves. We forgive others when we forgive ourselves. We are prone to sacrifice others when we are ready to sacrifice ourselves."
- Eric Hoffer

Favorite nooks and crannies of WMU

I've been spending a lot of time around WMU's campus, so I'd like to share some of my favorite little nooks I've found. Just don't take them from me!

1. Bernhard Center: bottom floor, large windows by the Bronco Mall entrance, corner booth. This is a nice little space, but I have two stipulations on this one: it must be warm outside and it must be daytime. I say that it must be warm because there is no insulation provided by windows like those so if it's chilly, you will notice within a half an hour or so. Also, there are AC vents right by those booths which makes it a great summer getaway. The "daytime" rule is part because I love the natural coming in but also when it's dark, the only light that you have is hanging above your head which makes for an awkward glare on particularly shiny textbooks.
2. Waldo Library: bottom floor, Confucius Center study spot, huge comfy chair. Have you ever passed by this little alcove downstairs? It is often dimly lit and there is almost never anyone there... Yet it the BEST nap spot on campus.* The bottom floor of the library is known to be the loudest, so the three-walled resource room is great for muffling out any noises that are too loud. Plop yourself down in one of those giant, leather, cradle-chairs and you are set for a solid nap zone. *Everyone knows that the Honors College Lounge is the best place to nap, but since it is under construction, I have made an exception and deem this new location to be the new best spot.
3. Waldo Library: bottom floor, large windows facing Knauss, twin desks. I'm not a huge fan of the twin desks (those that have a table with a divider in the center for two people to sit at). They've always freaked me out and I feel a little uncomfortable intruding on someone's study space. That, in addition to the fact that I always feel exposed, like everyone is looking at what I'm studying ("It's my anatomy book, I swear it's for class!") But if I can get one of those desks with the chair in the corner, I'm golden. The view from the bottom floor is great: people walking by is like a screen saver to life.
4. Waldo Library: third floor, anywhere facing a window. There are some great little corners on the third floor, I HIGHLY recommend trekking up there if you want some peace of mind. If the leaves are on the trees still then you have a great nature view to enjoy all that silence with. Excellent choice for either those who need absolute silence to read or anyone who wants to get away for a bit.

So this is just the very beginning of my list. So come help me out!

WMU Reader Questions: What is your favorite nook on campus? Where do you like to study? Where do you like to get away?

Thankful List

Yeah, yeah. Thanksgiving isn't for a while but sometimes I just need to make a list of everything/one that I'm grateful for. It cheers me up and reminds me of all the great things I have going in my life. Some are serious, some are fun. All I am thankful for (in no specific order).

I am thankful for...

1. Family. My mom is a mega-problem solver with a huge heart. My dad would go into battle for me. My brothers know exactly what makes me tick and how to cheer me up. And I love them all like crazy.
   
2. Friends. They are my family here at Kzoo and I would be lost without them.
3. Nate. Aren't you special! You get your own number, probably because you put up with my nonsense the most. All emotions, good or bad, pass by this guy. It takes a lot to not only deal with your own life, but help someone deal with theirs as well and Nate is that guy who's always helping me deal with mine.
   
4. Shelter. I don't have to worry about where I'll sleep every night or if I will be safe.
5. Food. Not only do I have great access to the cafe, but I can also afford food to have in the fridge. I don't have to go to bed hungry.
6. Clothes. I can choose to be naked; I don't need to be naked.
7. Choices. I have options in my life and I am not forced into one situation or another.
   
8. Education. I am fortunate enough to be able to pursue higher education, which is a privilege that not many people have in the world.
9. Jobs. This is a worrisome topic for many, including myself or anyone else who has had to deal with those in their family losing jobs. I am thankful I have one right now and it happens to be one that I am crazy-passionate about.
   
10. Cleanliness. There is some standard of weekly chores that exists in my house to keep it clean and comfortable. I have access to laundry, showers, and soaps to rid my environment of mess.
11. Technology. I am writing a blog. On the internet. For people around the world to read. I think that sums how crazy-cool technology is.
12. Pikachu. Yep, a stuffed animal. But he reminds me that I'm just a big kid. And he's good to hug-it-out with.
13. The perfect sleep arrangement. I can sleep anywhere. Just ask anyone that knows me. But I LOVE a perfect bed. It's not so much the location that matters, but the blankets and pillows. I want tons of 'em all around me. I like to make a log out of a bunch of them and "monkey hold" them while I sleep. Feels good, man.
14. Good coffee. Just the right amount of strength, cream, and sugar. These desired levels change daily and I am not picky. Pretty much what I'm saying with "good" coffee is ALL coffee.
15. Lists. I make them probably every other day. They could be about schoolwork, tasks to complete for my job, chores I need to do, groceries, or any number of things. I make them to organize my thoughts and find the path I need to take to complete what is on my list. Or sometimes the list is much more broad and not goal-oriented, such as this one. Sometimes those serve as reminders or reflections. Ultimately, they make me happy.

Reader Questions: What are you thankful for? How do you show it?

How to stay positive

Some important things to remember in order to stay positive.

1. I don't have control over everything. But that's okay! Because there are plenty of things that I do control. But for those that I don't, there is no reason to stress over them.
   
2. I do the best I can. With any problem, I do the best that I can given the circumstances I am in. Looking back, maybe I can think of something else I could have done, but in the moment I did what I needed to do. Even if the situation gets out of hand, I can always be assured that I've given it my all.
   
3. Always try. If I try and don't succeed, it's not failure. Failure is not trying at all.
   
4. What's done is done. Let go of the past; do not make it today's burden. No good comes from carrying around all my old problems. There is nothing I can do to alter what has already happened. It seems silly to point this out because it is so obvious, but I've caught myself getting worked up over things that are clearly done.
   
5. Mistakes happen. Sometimes mistakes just happen and it's not anyone's fault. The universe is random like that. There is no need to point the blame in some fluke of nature. And even if the mistake was caused by someone, no one is perfect. Forgive and forget.
   
6. I am not a mind-reader. I can't waste energy worrying about what other people think. Referring to number 1, I can't control things like that. Unless confronted, I can't keep worrying about something I have no proof of.
   
7. I am an adult (to some extent). Pouting and whining are for children. Grudges and drama are for teenagers. I am neither. So don't do it! Easy enough.
8. You can't please everyone. I can't make everyone happy. That's just impossible. Trying to jump through other people's hoops just to keep them satisfied is silly. There reaches a point where the height of expectations is to cumbersome to attempt and I'm not going to waste my time trying. In the end, it just disappoints both of us anyway. Them because I haven't done every little thing to make them happy, and me because I feel like I gave up. It is one of those circumstances mentioned in number 2.
   
9. Big picture. Despite how many things are going wrong, there are still so many that are going right.
10. Always, always remember. One bad moment doesn't have to spoil the whole day.

What to do in case I'm in a crappy mood.

1. Duh. Refer to the above list. I mean, that's why I made it.
   
2. Hug it out. Hug a giant stuffed Pikachu. Don't have one laying around? A human will do as well.
3. Go outside. There are few things that make me happier than reconnecting with nature.
4. Be goofy and random. Not difficult. Tsk-tsk-tsk-tsk!
5. Exercise. Hit up the rec, walk or bike ride outside, anything active. Increased blood flow to the brain helps me be rational, balanced, and happy.
6. Listen to Motown. Sam Cooke, The Temptations, Ray Charles, and much more.
   
7. Make something. Bake, cook, draw. Anything. Preferably, do it for someone else. It's like a double-whammy to the brain. I'm being creative AND helping out. SO much happy in that combo.
8. Take a nap. Getting some shuteye solves a lot of things.
9. Grab a shower. It might seem silly, but there is something about showers that make me calm down. Whether it's the warm water, nice smelling soaps, or some "in the womb" effect going on, showers feel amazing and melt away bad feelings.
   
10. Read this quote. "Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could with it. Some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Questions for the reader: How do you stay positive in your life? What are some things you keep in mind in order to maintain a positive attitude? How do you rid yourself of a bad attitude?

Things I'm scared about.

I admire people who can talk about their fears. So I am going to use this post to share some of mine, even though it's hard to talk about.

1. My future. I don't know what I'm doing or where I'm going. And for someone who likes to plan every aspect of their life, this is a scary thought. I don't believe that there is a "purpose" to life or that I am here to fulfill some ultimate cosmic duty, but I do think that there is a niche for me somewhere. I just don't know where that is yet.
2. Being depressed. I have come a long way in being able to deal with the fact that I have some form of depression. Through medicine and counseling, support from my friends and family, and dealing with aspects of myself that I once found shameful, I have become a new person. It makes me sad thinking about how far I had let myself go and how I thought there was no hope. While I feel better now, I still get scared that I might fall back into my old style of thinking.
3. Living alone. This one is a double edged sword. For the most part, I love being around people. Socializing or not, it's nice to be in the company of others as I go about my day. But at the same time, I find great comfort in being able to have complete silence. Especially so after a long day (or week, or month as it seems lately). The idea of taking care of and having my own home is really exciting too! It makes me feel grownup and responsible, like that feeling when someone trusts you with something they care about. And it's a new adventure! Something I haven't done before which brings out the "Learner" in me (Do you know your top 5 strengths from "Strengths Finder"? It's really neat! I'll talk about it in another post). But as great as it sounds, I'm also scared at the thought of being so alone. I'm afraid it might bring out the lonely feelings I used to have and accentuate them. I'm afraid that people will put me on the back burner and forget about me. Sometimes it's irrational, but it makes me afraid nonetheless.
4. School. This normally happens, but now that I'm getting down to the wire, I'm especially worried about my classes. While some it doesn't really matter how well I do in them, others will add semesters to my graduation date. Like Genetics, for example. This course is my last introductory Bio course that I need to get out of the way in order to open up much more possibilities. Without passing it, I need to retake it. There is no bypassing. There are no alternatives. That's pretty terrifying! Luckily I don't feel that way about all my classes. Organic Chemistry is surprisingly great and gets more and more interesting as the days progress. So all is not bad. But what is bad, is spooky.
5. Not being in balance. Classes, homework, job, boyfriend, family, friends, me time, chores... The list goes on. I feel so out of synch with everything when this gets out of balance. Seriously. Something as mundane as a messy apartment makes me feel completely out of whack and I can't do my homework until I know it's done. Or if I spend hours working on homework, I can't help but feel the need to go bonkers with my friends. It's not so much that I'm scared when I'm out of balance, it's that I'm stressed. And I'm worried about how that stress is affecting me.
6. Graduation. And no, not my own. I'm afraid of what others' graduations will do to my relationships with them. I have a lot of friends who will be done with WMU in a half a year and I don't know what that means for our friendship. Everyone says, "Sure, we'll still talk! I won't forget about you!" but when it comes down to it, keeping up with people over such a great distance can be really hard. Not impossible, but difficult. I love my friends so much and I just hope that we can still gossip and tell bad jokes and just be silly still. Also, my boyfriend of three years will be graduating in April as well. We've never lived further apart than a couple hours, but it was always with the thought that we'd be back on campus together within a few months. It's just scary to think that the people who were within walking distance will now have to be a phone call away instead.

Those are my fears. Out there in the open. In the wires of the interwebz. Surprisingly, posting this wasn't as scary as I thought.



Comic: explodingdog.com/
Pretty much my favorite comic site.

The sunny side of being sick

1. You can drink lots of tea.
2. Multiple showers are excused with the idea that it will drain your sinuses.
3. You are allowed to be a little whiny.
4. People don't have high expectations.
5. No one wants to steal your food.
6. Soup tastes amaaaaazing. Even if you can't taste it, soup just feels good.
7. P-p-p-pity party!
   

Movies I love to watch when I'm just feeling "meh".

You will notice that these are all animated, children's movies. This is no surprise seeing as they are some of the perfect "pick me ups" for days that aren't going your way. Try them sometime!

1. Ratatouille


2. My Neighbor Totoro


3. Rio


4. Hercules

5. Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs


6. How to Train Your Dragon



What are some of your feel good movies?

Groceries.

What I need and why.

1. Bananas: Healthy snack.
2. Yogurt: I have a slight obsession. Mmmmmm, bacteria.
3. Salsa: I have tortillas and cheese. I require some zest.
4. Jelly and bread: Three tubs of peanut butter are here. Three. Tubs.
5. Milk: Just necessary.
6. Fig Newtons: They sound good.
   

What I love about rainy days

It has been a very rainy day. As in, water coming from the sky continuously.
Here is what I love about rainy days.

1. Super easy to fall asleep. Great napping weather.
2. Makes me want to curl up with my homework or a book.
   
3. Food tastes awesome. Suddenly soups, hot beverages, stews and pastas are amazing.
4. It sounds pretty on the roof.
5. Cuddles.
6. It smells earthy outside.
7. Dry shoes and socks are luxurious.
8. Umbrellas and rain boots are cute.
9. The flowers, trees and grass look happy.
10. The day is slow and lazy... But it's a nice break from the usual hustle-bussle.
    

Typical week of classes and chores.

I generally make a list of things I need to accomplish.
Homework being the most common list that I make.
Here is a true example of this week's work.

BIOS 2500 - Genetics

• Homework #3 - due Tues 9/27
• Homework #4 - due Thurs 10/6
• Homework #5 - due Thurs 10/6
• Homework #6 - due Thurs 10/6
• Quiz #3 - due Thurs 9/29
• Mini paper #5 - due Tues 9/27
• Mini paper #6 - due Thurs 9/29

CHEM 3750 - Organic Chemistry I: Lecture

• OWL ch 2 - due Wed 9/28
  
• Quiz #3 - due Mon 10/3
• Quiz #4 - due Mon 10/10
  
• Quiz #5 - due Mon 10/24
  

CHEM 3760 - Organic Chemistry I: Lab

• Pre-lab #2 - due Wed 9/28
• Post-lab #1 - due Wed 9/28
  

FCS 2100 - Human Sexuality

• Reaction papers #1 and #2 - due Tues 9/27
• Quiz #1 - due Tues 9/27
• Discussion #1 - due Tues 9/27
  

FCS 1240 - Apparel Construction I

• Bring supplies for project #2
  
• Wash fabric prior to class

I'm a tad obsessed with making lists. But it's the only way I know I won't forget anything.

Things I have a hard time doing

1. Drinking a moderate amount of coffee.
2. Going to bed when I say I will.
3. Finishing a book before starting a new one.
4. Calling home on a regular basis.
5. Sleeping without a thousand pillows and blankets.
6. Watching tv channels other than Food Network.
7. Having the correct amount of change to do laundry.
8. Allowing just one tab to be open on the internet.
9. Throwing clothes in the hamper and not: A) on the floor. B) on the dresser. C) on the bed.
10. Sticking to semester goals.
    
11. Ending lists on a "normal" number.

Want vs Need

Things I need to do today:

1. Finish genetics paper.
   
2. Read chapter for organic chemistry.
   
3. Write pre-lab.
   
4. Clean apartment.
5. Do laundry.
   
6. Take out recycling.

Things I want to do today:

1. Watch movie.
2. Eat a grilled cheese sandwich.
3. Cuddle.
4. Dye hair.
5. Play video games.
6. Write in blog.
   

A Fresh Start.

My biggest problem with blogs is that

1. I can't decide what they should be focusing on.
2. I get bored easily.
3. I don't have the patience or time to maintain them.

However, this does not stop me from wanting one. So I'm back again with a new plan.

1. Keep it short and sweet.
2. Obtain a steady format.
3. Write whatever I want, whenever I want.

I've decided to make lists.